09 Apr 09 GAMES FOR NARCISSISTIC COUPLES (GENERAL INFORMATION)
Furthermore, sexual relationships of narcissists have more to do with getting narcissistic needs met—merging sexually with a symbol of status, say—than with tenderness and love. The male narcissist, feeling doubt about his self-worth, is attracted to a partner who is most like himself (often in fact a mirror image of himself, as in homosexuality), one who in some way does that self proud. Thus a proud man will look for a proud woman. Conversely, a beautiful woman will look for a handsome or rich man. Their sexual relationship will be satisfactory only on a superficial level, and then only as long as their twinship or idealizing transference lasts. Of course, such transferences can become negative and even ignite rage and envy. An example of this in fairy tales is when the witch in Snow White says, “Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who is the fairest of them all?” and the mirror replies, “Snow White.” The witch becomes enraged and tries to use witchcraft to destroy her rival.
The games for narcissistic couples are designed to counter and resolve their unhealthy narcissism.
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Tags: Men’s Health
09 Apr 09 GAMES FOR HYSTERICAL COUPLES – (HYSTERICAL FEMALE AND A PASSIVE MALE)
I once treated a hysteric who could have sex only if she had fantasies of being ravished—sometimes by a whole regiment. This peculiar defensive posture was developed in childhood to protect her against the onslaught of sexual rejection or shaming by her parents, sexual competition with her mother, and inappropriate sexual advances from her father, uncles, or brothers. Now it simply keeps her separated from, and in opposition to, her husband.
Generally, the hysterical couple is composed of a hysterical female and a passive male. Such a husband usually is a man who had a hysterical mother and is now attracted to a hysterical woman in order to gain “mother’s” approval. He thinks that if he gives in to the hysteric’s unreasonable demands, she will approve of him and he will get what he wants—her love. By submitting constantly to her unreasonable demands, he will, of course, get lots and lots of approval but no sex (or much more sex than he can handle) and little real love or respect. In fact, one of the only ways a female hysteric can enjoy sex without guilt is if she is “swept off her feet,” the husband taking full responsibility for the encounter. Ironically, however, the kind of man she chooses as a husband is someone who cannot do that, since his need for her approval precludes his doing anything of which she would consciously disapprove.
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Tags: Men’s Health
09 Apr 09 GAMES FOR PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE COUPLES – GAME 4: ROLE REVERSAL (PART 3)
By mirroring each other, each one is forced to take a more objective look at himself or herself. Often they get angry at each other’s exaggerated portrayals, but sometimes they break into laughter. Laughter helps to release the tension and the pent-up frustration and anger that have accumulated during the course of the marriage. And by seeing their partner enact their own means of avoiding sexual intimacy they often begin to stop avoiding and (for example) actually look one another in the eyes during sex, even if that proves at first somewhat uncomfortable. Looking at each other eventually becomes the lesser of two evils, because they come to view not looking at each other as even more shameful.
Family therapists have long used role reversal as a technique in couples therapy. It is even more effective in the bedroom, where eroticism gives it a stronger impact. Using eroticism as a tool and role reversal as a technique, a couple will eventually take a new look at their usual mode of operation, begin to discuss new options, and come to enjoy a new sexual passion and comraderie. The aggressive partner becomes less aggressive, demanding, or controlling, and the passive partner less passive, appeasing, or controlling.
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Tags: Men’s Health
09 Apr 09 GAMES FOR BORED COUPLES – GAME 2: SEDUCTION SURPRISE (BY THE HUSBAND) (PART 4)
The husband makes a point of listening to everything his wife says, in a way he never has. If the wife starts to complain, and he finds himself becoming bored, he is to say to himself (silently), “She’s complaining because she doesn’t feel appreciated deep down,” and he is to lean forward and pay even closer attention to what she is saying. “The more I give to her,” he tells himself, “the more she will be able to give to me.” He leans forward and listens as closely as possible while he sensuously sucks on oysters.
When they have finished, he says, “Would you care for coffee or tea?” He brings the beverage on a tray, adding, “Don’t worry about the dishes. I’ll do them later.” (he eventually carries them into the kitchen, rinses them in the sink, and returns.) “And now, for the final treat of your queendom-*-4f my lady please.” He takes her arm and leads her into the bedroom, which is also lighted by candles. He has decorated the bed in an unusual way; it is covered by satin sheets and pillowcases, and colored paper streamers hang from the light fixture (or from the bedposts).
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Tags: Men’s Health
09 Apr 09 JUNK SEX VS LOVING SEX – SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Each act of sex brings us closer to that other person. The more mature the sex, the more authentically intimate and tender that sex will be. In that sense, each act of sex is a triumph of love and life (Eros) over hate and death (Thanatos). Freud, who saw life as a struggle between these two forces, believed that the main cause of human misery was the sexual repression necessitated by modern civilization. The antidote to civilization and its discontents is not more sex but better sex. The more genuinely we engage in sex, the more our bodies and minds will come alive and be freed from the chains of negative thinking. The more we live and love, the longer we will refuse to die.
Every form of human pathology, whether psychological, organic, or social, is in some way associated with sexual frustration. Thus, neurotic defenses, narcissistic grandiosity, borderline rage, addictions, and psychosis—to name but a few—are all products, in part, of the frustration of Eros and the stirring up of Thanatos. The neurotic distorts the sexual experience with guilt, as when an obsessive demands neat and orderly sex and thus makes the experience ritualistic; the grandiose narcissist needs to be superior and cannot allow for the authentic vacillations of human sexuality; the addict is wedded to an addiction and can have only impulsive and shallow sexual experiences; and the psychotic withdraws completely from sex and people alike. In each instance, sexuality becomes blocked, and the other becomes an object to be distanced, exploited, distrusted, or hated.
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Tags: Men’s Health
