27 Mar 09 WHY ANOTHER SEX ARTICLE? WHY A ‘FAMILY, ARTICLE OF LOVE AND SEX?
Because many sex articles concentrate on people as if all that mattered were their genitals. This is ill-advised. Physical sex has been greatly over-emphasised in modern Western Society. The mood is now right for a article that looks at sex and sexuality in a wider context and this involves concepts of reason, loving, caring and togetherness. Far too many books have emphasised the ‘I’m the most important person in the world’ approach to the subject. Love and sex in reality involve other people’s lives and do so very intimately.
With the coming of AIDS more and more people are looking to their existing relationships to answer their needs for love and sex rather than throwing in the towel and starting again. This book helps make this possible by encouraging understanding, tolerance and flexibility.
Why a ‘family, book of love and sex?
Because our individual sexuality starts to express itself the day we are born. We need to understand the sexual components of life from birth to old age so that we can be more effective, happy and fulfilled human beings and parents and prevent our children from suffering from many of the problems we have as adults. We all want what is best for our children yet which of us is equipped to provide it in today’s changing and complex society?
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Tags: Men’s Health
27 Mar 09 INTRODUCTION
Sexuality is a vast subject covering many fields of study. Genitality, with which it is usually confused, is only a small part of it, yet sex books and sex education tend to concentrate on this aspect of it.
This is understandable because the anatomical differences between the sexes, and especially the genital differences, are the subject of endless fascination and interest from childhood onwards. In our western culture we put so many prohibitions on interest in our genitals and genitality that there is a danger of becoming absorbed with the topic to the exclusion of the more important aspects of sexuality in our relationships and lives.
Men and women are highly complex physical, emotional and psychological beings and to ignore the love, the feelings and the relationships that go hand in hand with genitality is like driving a car with only one wheel. The result is the same — a dangerous imbalance. For many people the sexual aspects of their lives are less fulfilling than they should or could be and they end up passing on their hang-ups, wrong perceptions and misunderstandings about sex and sexuality to their children.
As a culture we try to overcome our natural interest in but unnatural emphasis on the genitals by talking a lot about love and most readers would agree that if men and women could love each other perfectly the world would be a very different place. In a sense if we can love another human being perfectly we are half-way towards loving everyone and the world needs love more than ever before. The sort we need is not the vague love that teenagers feel for all mankind but rather a mature, practical and real love for another real human being.
Real love is in short supply and many people, because of their upbringing, do not love themselves enough to be able to love another person. Yet others are so obsessed with themselves that they are unable to allow another person to intrude in any significant way. Men and women in all kinds of relationships often feel they do not love each other very much and some even hate each other. Some men dislike all women and some women, all men. What a terrible state of affairs to have got ourselves into in a so-called Christian society that should be based on love.
Unfortunately, the man-woman relationship has many enemies. To the extent that the state or religions demand that their interests be given prior consideration and that the man-woman relationship itself should be governed by them, they intrude on and may even damage the relationship. Both, of course, do so ‘accidentally’ under the guise of trying to further the relationship.
In fact, for a supposedly caring society based on Judaeo-Christian morals, we seem to be doing rather badly in this area. Premarital pregnancies and sexually-transmitted diseases are on the increase in spite of efforts to curb them; over a third of marriages end in divorce; one in eight children live in one-parent families; most parents have problems in dealing with their teenagers’ emerging sexuality; and depression, the most widespread psychological illness of our society, is not only commoner than ever but often has a psychosexual basis. There is certainly no room for complacency. But what can the average family hope to do to redress the balance?
Obviously a way to change things is to shield our children from the negative cultural influences that we suffered, but this is not easy because we as parents are steeped in them.
Is to look at love and sex from the cradle to the grave and, with the benefit of knowledge of both family and psychosexual medicine, weave a picture of interlinking complexity that shows how a child grows up to become a sexual person. We then follow this person through life and look at other major milestones along the way. The subject is enormous and we have drawn on research from all over the world to add to our own clinical experience. After all, no one person can have seen it all and, in the final analysis, everyone is different.
In this completely revised edition, we have brought all the facts and figures up to date and have taken the AIDS epidemic into account. Because we have had to be brief on very important subjects we have tried to concentrate on what families most want to know and have tried to be as practical as possible. After all, unless you have had a wide experience of teenagers and talked to them about their intimate fears, problems, loves, hates and aspirations you can’t really know how your own child fits into the picture of ‘normality’. Many parents end up feeling hopelessly confused, especially in our fast-changing world.
Being a parent is probably more difficult today than ever before because the conflicts within society are so great, and the last thing that most parents need is yet another sex manual to tell them and their family how to behave genitally. Clinical experience repeatedly confirms that although genital sex can help cement a relationship in troubled times, sex nearly always looks after itself in a good relationship. Many people with so-called sex problems have personality or interrelationship problems deep down – the sex problem is simply the obvious symptom of which they complain.
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Tags: Men’s Health
17 Mar 09 OUR SEXUAL JOURNEY AS OLDER ADULTS: EMOTIONAL CHANGES. SOCIAL PRESSURES AND RESPONSIBILITIES
Emotional Changes during Older Adulthood
The factors that contribute to a general feeling of sexual well being differ for women and men. Women find satisfaction in being sexually attractive and becoming intimate with their partners. Men take pride in their sexual performance and their attractiveness to their partners, but they may be less interested in intimacy.
As women and men age, however, the need for intimacy grows, especially among men. In the later years of life, we may find new and deeper dimensions of intimacy in our relationships. Although sexual intercourse may become less frequent, our interest and pleasure in other sexually intimate activities may increase. These activities can include caressing, embracing, and kissing. Nonsexual, intimate relationships can also provide affection, closeness, intellectual stimulation, and opportunities for socializing.
Social Pressures and Responsibilities during Older Adulthood
Each stage of our sexual journey is affected by the double standards society holds regarding our sexuality. These double standards can have a powerful impact on older adults who are profoundly affected by many other losses—loss of friends through death and illness, loss of physical and financial independence, loss of contact with family, as well as declining health.
It is commonly believed that feelings and behaviors that are acceptable for young or midlife people become inappropriate for older adults, especially those in the care of others. Attitudes about masturbation form a good example. Many people who believe that it is acceptable for a 25-year-old man to masturbate also believe that it is “dirty” for a 70-year-old man to masturbate.
Double standards about gender may also prevail. Many believe, for example, that it is acceptable for an older man to have a younger wife, but they question the marriage of an older woman with a younger man.
Our double standard also holds that as women age they become unattractive, but as men age they become “distinguished.” These double standards can become particularly isolating and painful in our older years when we may be preoccupied with a variety of financial and health issues that may make us less resilient.
As we age, however, the gender role differences between women and men begin to lessen at both the psychological and the social levels. The expectations of gender behavior a society holds are more pronounced in young adulthood. As older adults, we become free to move away from stereotypical behavior. Women may focus less on the relationship aspect of sexuality, and men may move away from concentrating on genital sex. There also might be a shift in power in marital relations.
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Tags: Men’s Health
17 Mar 09 KEGEL EXERCISES FOR STRONGER ORGASM AND STRESS INCONTINENCE
Kegel exercises are done by tightening and relaxing the muscles used to stop urination. Strengthening these muscles can prevent and improve urinary incontinence, improve sexual sensations, and aid recovery from childbirth. Because they are internal muscle exercises, Kegel exercises can be done anywhere, anytime. Do at least five in a row several times a day:
1. Tighten muscles a little and hold for five seconds.
2. Tighten a little more and hold for five seconds more.
3. Tighten as much as possible and hold for five seconds more.
4. Relax the muscles in reverse steps, holding five seconds at each step.
To benefit from Kegel exercises, you must isolate the correct muscles. For women to be sure they are isolating the correct muscles, they may insert two fingers into the vagina the first time they try the exercise. They should be able to feel pressure around their fingers when they squeeze the correct muscles. Once the correct muscles have been located, it is unnecessary to insert the fingers to do the exercise.
Men who do Kegels must be sure to constrict the urethra as well as the anal sphincter.
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Tags: Men’s Health
17 Mar 09 SOCIAL PRESSURES AND RESPONSIBILITIES DURING YOUNG ADULTHOOD.
COHABITATION
Some people in relationships do not get married before they live together. Living together unmarried while in a sexual relationship is sometimes called cohabitation. Some people do this because they are not ready to commit to legal marriage. Others may never want to marry. Some people may have been married before and do not want to get married again.
Lesbian women and gay men cannot get married legally. They often share the same desires and reasons all women and men have to live with someone—to gain intimacy, companionship, and security and to live more economically.
Our views of cohabitation are shaped by our moral values and our religious and cultural beliefs. Not everyone approves of couples living together outside of marriage. Many religions do not allow for sexual intercourse before marriage, which may make cohabitation unacceptable. Deciding to live together is a decision that we make with our partners for ourselves based upon our own values and priorities.
Living together is an important commitment that couples make to one another. Like marriage, it requires good communication skills and a commitment to negotiate and compromise. It is important for both people to be clear about the goals and expectations they bring to the relationship.
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Tags: Men’s Health
17 Mar 09 ALL ABOUT SEX: SEXUAL DIVERSITY DURING ADOLESCENCE
Many teenagers struggle to understand their sexual identities. We wonder if certain things about us mean that we are women or men, straight, gay, lesbian, bisexual, or transgender. We may not want to have sex with anyone, or we may like hanging out only with people of the same sex. We may have crushes on or fall in love with people of the same sex.
Exploring our sexual identities and orientation during our teen years can be a scary experience. Our society pressures us to be heterosexual—to be feminine women and masculine men. As young people, we are well aware of society’s negative attitudes toward homosexuality. We learn to use words like “fag,” “fern,” and “queer” on the playground to hurt other kids. We hear negative things about lesbian, gay, and bisexual people in many of our families. We may be reprimanded for dressing too feminine or masculine.
Some of us are called “tomboys.” Others are called “sissies.” Some people are aware of their sexual identities and orientation from childhood. Others become aware of it later in life. As they come to know their sexual identities and orientation, each youth has to make his or her own decision about coming out to family and friends. Coming out is the process of acknowledging, first to ourselves and then to others, that we are lesbian or gay, bisexual, or transgender. There may be great risks involved. We may alienate parents upon whom we are dependent for our daily needs. Coming out at school can be frightening when the approval of our peers and school officials is so very important.
Accepting ourselves as different from society’s sexual norms can be very difficult in American culture. Our society fears homosexuality and people whose identities are not clearly feminine or masculine. We are very likely to internalize our society’s negative views, and that can make us feel guilty and afraid of our sexual feelings.
These fears and uncertainties can lead to depression and confusion. Feeling isolated, alone, and hated might make us think about suicide. Nearly 30 percent of all teen suicides are committed by lesbian and gay youth. Lesbian and gay youth and those who are perceived to be are two to three times more likely to commit suicide than straight teens and six times more likely to think about suicide.
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Tags: Men’s Health
17 Mar 09 ALL ABOUT SEX: PHYSICAL AND EMOTIONAL CHANGES DURING ADOLESCENCE
Adolescence is the transition from childhood to adulthood that includes dramatic developments in mental, physical, and social growth. It extends from the time we are about nine or 10 years old to our late teens. For some people, adolescence may last into their early 20s. Adolescence is a time of change, of pride, self-consciousness, and uncertainty. We do not feel like children or adults, and we are often treated as neither. We wonder about what is going on with our bodies and feelings, and we worry that these changes are noticed by our peers. We also wonder about just how normal we are.
The physical changes of adolescence are probably the most startling and obvious part of growing up. The rapid changes of our bodies, the growing importance of peers, and the sexual development of our lives can all contribute to confusion and stress. The physical changes associated with early or late onset of puberty can be particularly embarrassing. As adolescents, some of us experience weight problems or have severe acne. Whether short or tall, fat or thin, we have an increased self-consciousness about our bodies. We are very aware of our peers and are constantly comparing our stages of development with theirs.
We become very concerned with our appearance. Wearing the right or wrong clothes to school can determine whether we have a good or bad day. Not looking “right” can put barriers in the way of being accepted by our peers. Worrying about being cool or popular is a serious concern for us. We may need a lot of help to bridge the gap of feeling unwanted or disliked.
Feeling unwanted or disliked is quite common. As adolescents, we often have doubts about ourselves. We often don’t like ourselves very much. We need a lot of love, affection, and reassurance from our parents. It is really vital. But at the same time that we want our parents to share in what we are feeling from our peers and our own emotional turmoil, our parents become faced with the fact that their children have become sexual people! It can be hard to handle. We all have to be very patient with one another.
As sexual people, we have become more concerned, or even anxious, about masturbation and our erotic desires, dreams, and thoughts. Many of us may hear about sexual intercourse for the first time, and we may not be too happy about what we hear. We might be shocked or unbelieving that sex really happens like that! We may feel safer in the company of people of our own gender. That’s one of the reasons that adolescents often split into homosocial groups, in which girls make friends only with girls and boys make friends only with boys.
As adolescents, we have important emotional and educational needs. We want to know everything we can about relationships. Communication skills are critical. We need to talk about our feelings of confusion. We need our questions answered. We need open lines of communication. We need to learn these skills in order to make decisions and resolve conflicts. Decision making becomes increasingly complicated as we mature. Should I have sex? Should I drink alcohol? What kind of birth control should I use?
As adolescents, we also need information about pregnancy, contraception, sexually transmitted infections, and sexual abuse, before we are sexually active. We want our parents to give us the facts we need to stay healthy. We also want them to share the underlying values they have used to make their own decisions about sexuality.
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Tags: Men’s Health
11 Mar 09 GENDER RESEARCHES – 1
If we know how a male is made, can we choose the sex of our unborn child? If we could, it could create great happiness for many, and possible problems for the world!
In most cultures, each family desires at least one son to carry on the family name, or to see that the spirit of the father goes to the next cycle of existence after death, or to be able to worship his ancestors, or to prove that the man is really a man who can ‘make many sons’.
Because of this desire and because of the patriarchal nature of most societies, many couples would like to be able to choose the sex of their intended child. From time to time reports appear that a doctor, using this or that technique, is able to help couples choose the sex of their child. None of these reports stands up to critical examination. The ancient Greeks thought that men produced boys with sperms from the right testicle and recommended tying off the left testicle to ensure this. The discomfort was great, the results a failure. The method was abandoned.
In more recent times, it has been suggested that the sperms which carry the Y chromosome have a different shape from those which carry the X chromosome. Those sperms which carry the Y chromosome are claimed to have round heads, those which carry the X chromosome are said to have oval heads. As well as this the Y chromosome is smaller and lighter than the X chromosome, and is believed to be more active.
The differences in shape and in weight of the Y chromosome, suggested to Dr Shettles, who practises in the United States, that because the sperms containing a Y chromosome are different, smaller, and more active, they will reach the egg first, if intercourse takes place at the time of ovulation. He has also stated that because the sperm carrying the X chromosome is larger and slower, but stronger, a female child will be conceived if intercourse takes place 2 or 3 days before ovulation and the couple then abstains from sex. Dr Shettles wrote that the Y-carrying sperm would be helped on its journey if the vagina was alkaline (which meant that the woman had to douche before sex), if she had an orgasm either simultaneously with or before the man, if the man inserted his penis in the woman’s vagina from behind so that he could penetrate deeply, and if they had abstained for at least 10 days before having sexual intercourse at the time of ovulation.
In a report of a small series of couples who tried this technique, Dr Shettles claimed that the desired boy was obtained in a high proportion (85 per cent) of cases.
Unfortunately for this theory, no other investigator has been able to reproduce his results. The most accurate investigations have been made when sperm have been put into, and around, the neck of the uterus, using the method of artificial insemination. No preponderance of male children resulted when the insemination was made at the time of ovulation, or of female children when it was done 2 or 3 days before ovulation.
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Tags: Men’s Health
11 Mar 09 PHISICAL CHANGES AND SOCIETY
Similarly, the age at which a boy’s genitals increase in size is very variable, and neither the boy nor his parents need be over-concerned if his penis has not grown as much as those of his age-mates, at least until he is 16.
The physical changes associated with adolescence may provoke psychological anxiety as the youth becomes confused about his body’s changes, and may become over-sensitive to his appearance, particularly in a society which stresses a stereotype of a young male in advertising. If the adolescent sees himself as different from the cultural stereotype, he may lose his self-respect and feel unattractive and unwanted. Similarly, a boy who matches (or exceeds) the cultural stereotype may receive such a measure of recognition from others that his self-image becomes magnified, and he becomes vain and over-bearing.
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Tags: Men’s Health
11 Mar 09 SOCIETY CONDEMN SEX FOR CHILDREN
In our type of society such activities are condemned and because, for most children, sex is not mentioned, or is mentioned in a condemnatory manner, many children form the opinion that sex is dirty and feel guilty if they enjoy fondling their genitals. As two American sociologists, William Simon and John Gagnon, say: ‘. . . learning about sex is learning about guilt: conversely, learning how to manage sex constitutes learning how to manage guilt’.
The belief that sex is dirty is encouraged by small actions. Boys are taught it is ‘bad’ to fondle their penis (‘If you don’t leave it alone, I’ll cut it off). Small girls are taught to cover their chests long before any breast development has occurred, and to sit with their legs together long before the child’s vulva has developed in any way. Both sexes are taught that their genitals are a ‘shameful’ area, and that it is ‘good’ to keep them covered at all times.
During the childhood years, the child’s sexuality can be damaged by the way its parents behave in sexual matters and by their reaction to its curiosity about sexuality.
If parents let the child know, by their behaviour, that they believe the unclothed human body to be indecent, and that the genital area is scandalous and unmentionable, they may plant the seeds for later sexual disability. Many parents encourage their children to be competitive, even if this requires violence, but when a child seeks to understand why boys and girls have different genitals and to look at the genitals of a child of the other sex, or play with its own genitals, a frozen disapproval appears and the child is often punished. This induces shame in the child’s mind about its genitals. It may also induce guilt, because the child has enjoyed what it was doing, but now feels this was wrong because of its parents’ disapproval.
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Tags: Men’s Health
